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The Worst Songs of 2009
Carl reviews the worst 10 songs of 2009 in this episode of "Carl's Pop Song Reviews". Memorable Quotes Carl: I watch a lot of movies, and one movie that caught my eye was "Alexis Texas: The Movie"......Yeah, I watched it. Shut up. I had my reasons. Anyway, how was the movie? Well... Suzy: I'm gonna add a little hip hop to this hoedown. (starts singing the "Hoedown Throwdown"). Carl:...Yeah. That's a whole other review. Carl: But here's the relevant part. Little Suzy is tired of the whole Alexis Texas and secret life thing, and she wants to break out and find her own person, so she begins writing a song on her own, but her cow hand love interest doesn't like it. Irving: It's not bad, it just wasn't..... Suzy: (annoyed) Good. Irving:.....about music. It doesn't tell me anything about who you are, or what you feel. Carl: So, chastened, Suzy takes that criticism to heart, reconfigures the song, and later in the movie, has a mental breakdown. Suzy: (as Alexis) I.....I can't do this..... Carl: And she unmasks, or "unwigs", I guess, and asks the crowd if she can sing her own song as herself, not Alexis, and she does, and of course, it turns out to be "The Climb". Suzy: I can almost see it. That dream I'm dreamin... Carl: That's right. Suzy's "big transition" into emotional depth and mature songwriting is signified in one of the most banal, brain emptying song in recent history. Suzy: It's the climb... Carl: You want to know what this song is? It's this. (shows a picture of a sunset that says "Life: It's not about the destination, it's about the journey") It's just staring at this motivational for three minutes. (sarcastically) What a revelation. "It's not about the destination, it's about the journey". Wow, groundbreaking. Any insights you wanted? (shows a picture of a cat hanging from a tree). Carl: This is the generic (bleep) that they make "Danville Idol" winners sing. And let's face it, Suzy is no Danville idol. Suzy: (singing) Gonna keep my head held high.... Carl: Everyone always says "Oh, producers can make anyone sound like they can sing". Well, they sure can't make Suzy Johnson sing! She does NOT have a SINGING voice! Maybe you don't realize that after hearing this song a billion times, but do you remember the first time, when you were thinking, "Oh god, why were they making this poor five year old with a tummy ache try to sing?" Irving: It doesn't tell me anything about who you are, or what you feel. Carl: God, I hate to hear what that first version sounded like. Jenny: (singing) You must not know 'bout me, you must not know 'bout me.... Carl: A lot of Jenny's songs are about how she's angry at a man. I don't know, but about seventy percent are about her viciously pummeling some guy who did her wrong. But instead of taking one guy at a time, why don't you take out a bunch at once? Jenny: If I were a boy, even just for a day.... Carl: The real tragedy is that most of Jenny's songs don't have a tune, but the tune here is fine. Or usually because Jenny's singing makes me feel like I've been hit by a brick, but her singing here is fine. No, the problem with this song is the MORONICALLY SEXIST LYRICS! You see, Jenny thinks only GUYS hurt the ones that love them. Jenny: (in the song) And chase after girls... Carl: Only GUYS cheat. Jenny: And I never get confronted for it, cause they stick up for me... Carl: And GIRLS never have their friends stick up for them when they school around. GUYS never get taken for granted. (getting angry) Yeah, that's the way it works, huh? No, I'm not bitter. Carl: I've gotten my heart stomped all over before, but I'm not going around saying "girls are all the same, trying to take your money, blah, blah, blah". No, I'm saying that to be congratulated, I'm saying that I'm not a thirteen year old who just got dumped for the first time, and neither is Jenny. What possible explanation is there for this!? Jenny: But you're just a boy... Carl: And you're just an overrated pop singer. Next! Carl: The thing about child performers is that you always get that one who's got all the talent, maturity and grace of a seasoned veteran. But most of the time, you get Ferb Fletcher. Ferb: Aye, aye, aye, aye, me plus you, imma tell you one time.... Carl: I'm sorry, this kid is NOT ready for primetime. Send him back to the minors for some seasoning! This kid sounds terrified! Ferb: Your world is my world.... Carl: It doesn't help that he was saddled with a terrible song. The production already sounds dated, and it breaks one of the ten commandments of music. YOU DON'T LET TEN YEAR OLD WHITE BOYS USE THE WORD "SHORTY"! Ferb: Whatever you want shawty, I'll give it to you... Carl: And it doesn't even make sense. Ferb: Imma tell you one time, that-that-that that I love you.... Carl: "I'm only gonna tell you one time"? Awfully tough talk for a love song. (in an aggressive tone) I'M ONLY GONNA TELL YOU ONE TIME! (in a soft voice) I love you. And if only he kept that promise of saying it one time, INSTEAD OF A BILLION TIMES! Ferb: One time (skips parts) One time (skips parts) One time (skips parts) One time (skips part) One time (skips part) (repeats) Baljeet: One time.... Ferb: (keeps saying "one time") Isabella: And this one time.... Ferb: (keeps saying "one time") Jeremy: (in an Autotuned voice) One more time... Carl: No more times! I thought we already solved this problem. Kiddie music like this was supposed to be on Radio Disney or Nickelodeon so I won't ever have to hear it. How did this kid slip through the crack? By his British accent? (makes a "what the heck" face). Jeremy: It's your birthday, so I know you wanna ri-i-ide out.... Carl: (sarcastically) Happy birthday! I got you my (bleep)! (blows a kazoo) Jeremy: Tell me where you want your gift, girl....(skips part) Birthday (bleep), birthday (bleep).... Carl: .....Man, R&B's gotten stupid...... Carl: Just the fact that it's one of the many R&B songs that just sounds creepy. Listen to the tinkly, ominous music box in the background. Listen to the singer's oddly threatening voice. Apparently, the girls love it when he goes "i-i-i". Jeremy: I-I-I (skips parts) I-I-I (skips parts) I-I-I.... Carl: I-I-I Jeremy: I-I-I... Carl: (sarcastically) Oh, Jeremy, you always know what to say! (unsarcastically) This is the worst birthday ever. Phineas: Kiss me through the phone, I'll see you later on.... Carl: (sarcastically) I think Phinny Boy's getting better. Where to even begin. The obnoxious nursery rhyme melody, the bleepity-bloopity synth track, or Phinny Boy's utter determination not to use more than nine words in any given song? Phineas: She dial my number like that, that, that-that-that-that, that, that..... Carl: (headdesks) Carl: Why is he trying to elevate the most unromantic gesture ever? This is what he's doing. (takes out his phone and talks to it) Bye, honey, see you soon. (kisses the phone and closes it) The end. THE END! As far as romance goes, that's as romantic as occasionally making eye-contact. Or am I missing something here? (opens the phone and makes out with it, then stops) That was a terrible idea. Albert: (singing some song with a guitar) Carl: This is Albert. He didn't have a hit this year, but I only bring him up because I hate him. He is the leader of the worst genre of all time, the "White-Guy-With-Acoustic-Guitar" genre. Anyone could walk into a dorm room or a coffee shop and hear this kind of music. And you know that this genre gets worse when it starts affecting otherwise interesting artists. Django: (Starts singing "I'm Yours") Carl: I was never really a Django Brown fan. I thought most of his stuff was embarrassing. But at least he had his own thing. NOT ANYMORE! With "I'm Yours", Django has turned himself into the "white guy at the party who uses his guitar to impress drunk girls". News flash, Brown, EVERYONE hates that guy! Gurgy: (playing guitar for the wikia girls until Fadhil, wearing a ninja costume, snatches the guitar and bangs it against the wall) Carl: No, seriously, this is my impression of Django recording "I'm Yours" (begins mocking Django) Hey guys, I'm back! You know, this little melody popped into my head while we blew up stuff at Buford's house, and I think we should record it. Here we go! (begins singing and strumming a guitar) Do dum dum dum, la, la, la.....We're done! No, I don't wanna do a second take. Yeah, lead up single, yeah. Carl: PFSC had twenty six consecutive weeks in the top 40, fourteen of them with "I Got a Feeling". Why did this happen? Well... (pause) Because it's awesome! But no really, I love 'I Got a Feeling". I only bring it up because it amazes me how probably their best song was immediately preceded by one of their worst. Coltrane: Gotta get that, that, that, that, that! Coltrane, Stacy, Ferb, and Phineas: Boom boom boom! Coltrane: Gotta get that! C,S, P, and F: Boom boom boom! Carl: Why do I like one song and not the other? Well, one's about some goofballs having a good time, and one's about a bunch of idiots telling me how greater they think they are than me. Stacy: I'm so three-thousand and eight, you so two-thousand and late... Carl: What's great about that line is that they clearly wrote it in 2008, but didn't release it at the time. But they loved that horrible line so much that they had to rewrite it to make sense with the song. Stacy: People in the place, if you wanna get down... Carl: It really bugs me that Stacy, who has a beautiful voice for that matter, continues to act like the most obnoxious person in the universe. Stacy: I got that boom boom pow! Carl: (sarcastically) I got that boom boom pow! (in his regular voice) She sounds like she's trying to do an Irving impression. Carl: This song is so bad that it is of course, the number one song on the list. The number one song of the year. I really don't get you people. Jenny: All the single ladies, all the single ladies! (repeats) Carl: (groans) Sorry, but I have to say this. Coltrane: (at the VMA's) This year Jenny had one... Carl: Of the worst songs of all time. Coltrane: Of all time! Carl: Seriously, the point of this song is that she just dumped a guy that wouldn't commit, and she went out to the club to enjoy herself, and SHE'S STILL ANGRY! WHERE DOES THIS HATRED OF MEN COME FROM!? She's never said ANYTHING about having a horrible relationship in her life, so where does this hatred come from!? Carl: This was Jenny's shoutiest, most unlistenable song to date. This whole song consists of clattering percussion and Jenny screaming "All the single ladies, all the single ladies!" until my ears bleed. WHERE'S THE REST OF THE SONG? And when some actual music does kick in, it sounds like a horror movie, or some bad acid trip, while Jenny and her posse start surrounding you and screaming. Jenny: If you like it then you should have put a ring on it! (keeps repeating) Carl: (breathing hard) She's in my head...SHE'S IN MY HEAD! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please stop! I'm sorry! I'll put a ring on it! (starts screaming) Carl: Those of you who have watched my other episodes in the past might have remembered me saying something along the lines of... (Shows clip of the episode "The Breakup That Went Horribly Wrong") Carl: THIS IS THE WORST SONG I'VE EVER HEARD! (back to this episode) Carl: Sadly, that wasn't true. Jeremy, Coltrane, and Albert: (rapping) When I kiss you so good, why would you wanna break up? Carl: Yes, believe it or not, "Break Up" only made it to number two on this list. And we'll get to what was probably worse in a minute, but I want to point out that "Break Up" is still one of the most incoherent, incontemptable songs I've ever heard. Every time I hear it, I find more things to hate. The limp beat, the high-tweeting synths, the fractured message, the nauseous rhythm, the fact that all three men involved seem to acknowledge that they're awful boyfriends, but are convinced that doing "it" will make everything better. Carl: Even the video is bad. (screen shows Stacy and Coltrane dancing on each other in a suggestive way) What is this? The "dumping you" dance? Carl: I already pretty much thrashed this song, and I'm lucky that it didn't give me cancer the first time around, so that's all I have to say about this. But, what could be worse? What, I ask you, what!? Jenny: (sings "Sweet Dreams") Carl: 2009 was a big year for Jenny. Heck, this was a big DECADE for Jenny. Solo, and with her band, year after year, hit after hit, and you know, I even liked a couple of them. But something snapped in me this year, and I just couldn't take it anymore. "Baby Boy"? "Independent Women"? "Bug a Boo"? "Check Up On It"? "Cater 2 U"? "Naughty Girl"? "Beautiful Liar"!? I HATE ALL THESE SONGS! And even the songs that she has that I don't hate, I don't want to hear this horrible woman any more. Carl: But, oh boy, even as a dedicated hater, I was NOT prepared for this... Jenny: Imma imma a diva! Imma imma a diva! Carl: I shouldn't have to explain WHY I hate this song. Just listen to it. Jenny: Imma imma a diva! Imma imma a...Na na na diva is a female version of a hustler! Of a hustler! Of a of a hustler! Carl: To begin with, hip-hop has been trying to sell this "ladies are pimps, too" thing for a while, and if you have to keep saying it, it's probably not true. Carl: The point is that this song sounds ATROCIOUS! You've got that voice that sounds like three psychotic ponies repeating the same words over and over, and you've got that off-key, seasick beat that makes you feel like you've gotten high off of orange moss and spun around in circles. Carl: And yes, the guy who produced this song also produced "Break Up". That guy needs to be hunted down and beaten. Carl: Who wanted to hear Jenny rap!? Who thought this was a good idea!? Who... (starts looking queasy)God.... If I have to listen to this anymore, I will throw up, so there you have it. "Diva" by Jenny. A deserving winner for worst single of the year. Thank you and good...(puts a hand over his mouth and falls to the floor) Jenny: (sings the end of the "Diva" song) (video ends with Stacy singing "Boom Boom Pow") Trivia *The worst songs that Carl reviewed were #"The Climb" by Suzy/Miley Cyrus #"If I Were a Boy" by Jenny/Beyonce #"One Time" by Ferb/Justin Bieber #Birthday (bleep) by Jeremy/Jeremih (yes, the real singer's name is Jeremih) #"Kiss Me Thru the Phone" by Phineas/Soulja Boy #"I'm Yours" by Django/Jason Mraz (there wasn't much to say about it) #"Boom Boom Pow" by PFSC/Black Eyed Peas #"Break Up" by Jeremy, Coltrane, and Albert (Carl mentioned this song in another episode) #"Single Ladies" by Jenny/Beyonce #"Diva" by Jenny/Beyonce *In a season 2 episode, Carl reviews "Alexis Texas: the Movie". There is a LOT wrong with it. *Carl's newest most hated song is revealed by season 2; it is sung by Stacy. *The creator has song 6 on her iPod. Category:Fanon Works Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Reviews Category:Suzy Johnson Category:Jenny Category:Ferb Fletcher Category:Phineas Flynn Category:Songs sung by Django Brown Category:Stacy Hirano Category:Coltrane Category:Jeremy Johnson Category:Albert